This freaking rain is really starting to fuck me off!!
Why is it always at home time so I can’t go for a run?!!! Doesn’t the weather understand at the moment I need to run more than ever or I really will just fall apart?
And another thing. If Bob and I had a change of heart and had child it would have no grandmothers, how odd is that? Eddie Izzard was wrong, “I am a gran I live forever” it’s just not true.
It’s a week since the world got a little darker. I think I might still be in shock. I’m now back in Worcester for a couple of days before the funeral on Saturday, (my birthday!!). After being at home with my dad for the last few days I have had to break the news to various people ringing up and had to comfort them as they cried. Also members of the family and friends have been turning up at the house, hugging me sobbing and wanting to talk about how special my mum was. That’s another thing, i really can’t get used to referring to her in the past tense. It’s been emotional but I think I have dealt with it the same way that she would. Don’t be sad that she has gone be happy that you ever knew her. She touched so many peoples lives, the world has lost a good soul.
There is another star in the sky shining tonight, look for it, it’ll be the brightest star you have ever seen. So the matriarch has gone, she went so fast in the end that nobody was with her when it happened. Don’t be sad she wouldn’t have wanted any of that death bed nonsense best just to make her own way with nobody around to fuss or to cry. The nurses said it was like a light going out and what a light. The light in so many peoples lives, especially those that had never had anybody special to look after them.
Bless you Freda, sleep peaceful now give Steve and Roy a hug from me. If I can be half the woman you were then I will very proud.
I might start singing the blues, of course I should be black and a man and 40 years older and live in the southern states of USA and be able to play the guitar and/or harmonica and own a rocking chair. Apart from the I reckon I am blues material.
I’m not feeling very artculate so I’ll keep this to a minimum but might come back to it later to add some more.
Bob and I had Chris and Lynnes wedding on Friday followed by Rich and Lauras on Saturday. Bob was an usher at both so it’s been a bit of a hectic weekend. Coupled with me being a bit dodgy and chucking up lots, (still not right now but at least I’ve lost some weight!). Both weddings were lovely and very emotional which I think took it’s toll on me especially Friday night. We had to rush down from near Llangollen to Bromsgrove on Saturday morning and Bob got changed into his ushers suit in the churchyard! I didn’t go to the service as I thought it might be bad form to throw up on the brides dress.
And today is fathers day so I went to my parents whilst Bob went off to see his dad. My mum told me the genetisist, (sp??) will be in contact with me soon to get me booked in for some tests. I think this will just be a blood test and a possible scan. I’m not sure what to expect, the study is ongoing and all that but I keep getting told this is NOT a hereditary condition. I’m assuming i will have to wait for the study to finish before they’ll know anything in particular and then maybe they’ll be able to tell me what I should do. Unless of course they do find something…. can’t wait!
I don’t want to talk about it, please don’t push the subject. I know it’s happening and it’s real but I wonder why everyone feels like it is the only topic of conversation I care to discuss. Don’t you realise I think about it every waking moment, whenever I am on my own, driving, running trying to sleep. The last thing I want is to be reminded when I may happen to have been distracted by something else for a brief second. I know it’s really fucking unfair! It’s awful and you think me heartless to just shrug my shoulders and maybe even utter C’est la vie. I’ve built my defences, they’ll come tumbling down soon enough but leave me alone at the moment. Leave me in this place where I can do my odd things. I don’t know why it makes me feel better it just does.
I still want to be able to use my blog as my therapist but dark poignant things aren’t flowing out of head. And I suppose there is nothing to say that I haven’t already said. Maybe I’ll just keep posting links back to old posts. Now there’s an idea.
I really wish K was here, he will be in about a month for a few days but I’m certainly not going to ruin his short time back by bothering him with my fucked up head.
I’ve been neglecting you Mr Blog I realise that. The thing is the stuff that has been in my head recently I haven’t really wanted to share with anyone. I will just get a few things off my mind though but may delete the post next time I log on.
I went round to Mers place a couple of weekends ago, she is so upset not just for my mum but because me and my dad have to go through it again. She kept telling me how fucking unfair everything is. I know! It is unfair that this should be happening again and the ludicrous irony that it’s the same disease that killed my brother. Would I feel better if it was something else? I don’t know but I think it may be in the end. After years of having heart problems and being on a low cholesterol diet my mum not surprisingly doesn’t give a shit anymore what she eats. Cheese, bacon, chocolate and cider. All her favourite things. I hope her ticker just gives up on her, I want her to go quickly and not linger.
Then I just have the task of filling her size 4’s. Fuck! I’m not cut out to be like her. Tough yet one of the most kind hearted people you will ever meet. Often terrifying to the stranger but will give people love that never expect it. So many waifs and stray have been under her wing I’ve lost count.
It was the day of the big race today but let’s leave that until the end of this blog.
On Friday I finished work at 3 and drove down to Spex’s place in pompey, Bob had gone to another Stag do and so it was just little me making the journey in my trusty tram. It didn’t take long considering it was Friday. I got to Colonel Specklingtons and met his lady Hannah for the first time, (am I aloud to say that now?). We went and played car chess in the car park and then went out to get some supplies. Slowly the others arrived Neil and KP next in their paddle steamer followed by May_z who had himself delivered by carrier pigeon. We ate Pizza, listened (and argued) to tunes and drank quite a bit. I can’t remember how the subject came about but we started to compare body parts. I insisted that I had bigger thighs than May-Z but he was having none of it. Then Spex and May-Z compared nipples, I wasn’t drunk enough to join in.
Next day we shuffled around for a bit in a post drunken haze before nipping over to Spex’s parents to erect a gazebo for the afternoon’s activities. Never try to erect a big gazebo in a high wind. It was interesting to say the least. Hannah arrived back from work and after some more car chess we went back to Spex’s parents where Ebby and the boys joined us as well as some other guests. I was feeling very contemplative, I think it was the race being the next day and the reasons for me doing it ringing truer than ever. I had been attempting to Hereford Half Marathon for some time but it always seemed to clash with other stuff. The last 2 years it clashed with the bi-annual surfing trip. This year I decided that was it I was going to do it. It was to be my first half and there is no other place I wanted to do it more than my home town coupled with it being in aid of St-Michael’s Hospice. Well obviously when I decided all this we didn’t realise what fate had kept up its sleeve for my family. Since then my mum has been diagnosed with a brain tumour and has been given 6 months to live, I’m sure she will end up in the care of St-Michaels just like my brother and uncle before. Anyway this meant I wasn’t very chatty, I was enjoying the distraction of the witty banter and Ebby’s boys trying to hurt each other but I wasn’t able to contribute much to the party itself. Soz dude. Anyway it was lovely and we ate loads of really nice food before I had to drive home.
Sunday dawned and it was raining. On the drive to the race it absolutely chucked it down, proper full on torrential rain. I began to dread it. It stopped raining just as I got to the leisure centre. I went and registered bumping into my cousin S who was hung-over as hell but still doing the race, marvellous prep my dear!! We started and the sun came out and shone brightly for a while before disappearing behind a cloud. The support was immense considering the awful weather. I ran the first 9 miles comfortably and even got shouted at by a marshall for looking to fresh, tee hee. Things started to hurt at about mile 10 but just then I was running down a pretty rural lane where I saw an old couple cheering people on whilst stood by their car. Inside the car a lovely little old lady was sat in the passenger seat going absolutely nuts, clapping, waving and cheering everyone. Bless her, that spurred me on for another mile or so. At mile 11 the heavens opened once again and it chuked it down. I quickened my pace as much as my aching legs would allow. We turned onto the race course and ran towards the finish line. I finished in 2 hours 6 minutes and 42 seconds. Come on!!! I walked straight to my car and drove off. I wasn’t hanging around in that weather. My parents made me some lunch and I collected some more sponsorship before driving back home. So here I am sat telling you because Bob isn’t here. I’ll have to make do with rubbing badger balm onto my own legs tonight as he won’t be back until tomorrow.
Thanks for the sponsorship guys, it really means a lot to me. St-Michaels is a very special place. I just hope nobody I know ever has need for their services to find this out for themselves.
I needed to get away so on Friday I left work early, (I’m loving flexi time!!) and caught the train down to London village. After much horrible tube travel I managed to get on the same train as Sarah to Romford but on different carriages. We met up on the platform just like brief encounter but in colour and wandered to her place via Pizza Express. Mmm.
Lisa got back a while later having had a bad day at work and found us curled up watching TV and drinking vino. The new Reggie Perrin is excellent I must say.
Next day we were greeted by a lovely sunny day and lounged around on the patio for ages reading the paper and drinking tea. We decided that a BBQ was in order and I would make Bob’s Burgers. Sarah and I disappeared off to the shops to buy meat and stuff leaving Lisa bustling around cleaning things. We wandered around Romford in shorts and vest tops through the busy market, to the butchers and various other places. When we got back I made the burger mix and we settled down for some more sunshine and tea, (or maybe a spot of vino). Mer arrived and I set to work BBQing, Sarah’s neighbours were also having a barbie, they were hilarious. Typical Essex dwellers, very friendly and like a few drinks. too. As the evening wore on we ended up in the neighbours garden polishing off their nibbles and booze. Sarah went to bed but the hard core stayed up, well actually I went to bed about 1am leaving Mer and Lisa.
Next day I sprung out of bed and starting clearing up. Sarah turne dup and informed me that Lisa wasn’t very well, I thought for a brief second I had given her food poisoning but it turns out she was hammered and had gone upstairs at about 2am, informed Sarah she smelled of horse manure before wrestling th bed covers off her and taking them downstairs for Mer, (Mer didn’t know this is where he covers came from). So Sarah had to sleep under a sheet.
I suggested all my hangover cures to Lisa but she wasn’t having it and ended up going back to bed. We sat and watched TV and read the papers before deciding to go for an expedition into London. Sarah drove and I navigated. We went to the Thames barrier and Tower Bridge before having some lunch at a busy restaurant in St-Katherine’s Quay. I reluctantly left to catch the tube back to the train station. Reluctantly as I was worried about the chicks navigating their way back to Romford but I needn’t have stressed as they got back fine. I on the other hand had a bit of a nightmare tube journey as the circle line had engineering work so therefore the district was well busy, the tube I needed had been held up by something or other so after 10 mins of waiting I got the tube in the opposite direction to link back onto a different line. I made it to the train station with about 5 minutes to spare very hot and very bothered. Bob picked me up for the station and took me home.
Next day we went to visit my folks but let’s not talk about that now.
The new job is goig well. I seem to be fitting in well and it is great to have some different stuff to do. I won’t write too much about the job as I don’t want to get into any troube given I now work for a Government organisation. I will say it’s cool because it’s a cross between meterology and hydrology. I always wanted to be a met head but eneded up as a hydro head so I might stay a while and see what happens.
On the family front, things really are awful but I don’t want to talk about it. I’m off down to London tomorrow to visit Sarah and Lisa, Mer is also coming. I think she feels she has to be with me in case I dop something silly. Ooh yeah, cheap train tickets from Brum to London, bargain!!
