Archive for the Dark Category

Little ditty

Posted in Dark, Music on 23/02/2011 by bimbo78

Let me tell you a story….it’s about a song, a song which I think may have changed my life. That’s a very powerful statement and of course I have no proof or indeed any way of obtaining any proof unless someone wants to clone me, erase the memory of the aforementioned song from my head then create another identical universe as well as a time machine to drop the clone back off to September 2009 and see if the clones life turns out differently to mine. No? Well ssshhh then.

I may have mentioned it before, in fact yes I have in my blog about End of the Road Festival 2009.
Ebby and I went to watch a band called The Low Anthem at EotR 2009. I had heard of them before but I can’t say I knew any of their tunes. We stood there in the bright warm sunshine, incidentley the only really nice weather we had had all that Summer and this was the second weekend in September so it really did feel sort of special. Just to go immediately go off on a tangent, (you’d expect nothing else) I haven’t mentioned it before but my memories of that year and the early part of 2010 are quite hazy. I was just sort of ‘acting’ at life. Doing what I thought I should be doing and occasionally getting drunk and talking about death with some very understanding friends. Anyway, I digress, (as always).. I will forever remember the moment I first heard the Low Anthem live. This hideously melancholic beat started to sound and the lead singer sang a song in an incredibly low whispering voice which to me felt like everyone else had just disappeared and he was singing to me..about me and the ridiculously dark person I was at the point in my life. What little emotion I showed outwardly came bubbling to the surface and I started to silently cry which I have certainly never done at a gig before. As the song finished Ebby hugged me and whispered to me that the song was written for me.
The unknowining tumour is fixing its home in the damp bed of the catacomb
As the raging war on the high wire unfolds she buries her teeth in the flesh.

After an incredibly emotional set that also had Ebby in tears I think we may have wandered off and found some booze. I think I can pinpoint this moment in time as when I first began to see the world through less grief stricken eyes, it really is amazing what a song can do.

When I came home from EotR 2009 I tried to find the song… I could only remember the above lyric. I searched on the net and found it hadn’t even been recorded let alone released yet. I found a version on youtube Here (apolgies for the awful sound quality) eventually that I used to listen to when I needed the hit of emotion, not always melancholic as the song eventually made me smile.

I went to End of the Road 2010 and it just so happened that the Low Anthem played again. Ebby and I got near the front and the band start to tell a little story about the song they were about to sing. They were sat in their tour bus at End of the Road 2009 waiting to come on and do their set when they penned a song that they were quite pleased with so sang it straight away when they got on stage whilst it was still fresh in their memories. It was obviously Smart Flesh which was the song that moved me…they sang it for me again but it had evolved. No longer so stupidly dark and melancholy, it had moved with me to a lighter brighter tune, still fraught with emotion but bearable and after it finished I had a huge grin on my face.

It’s just been released on their new Album which has been named after my song ‘Smart Flesh’. Listen to it..it may not move you and you may find it dull like Bob does but that little song….my song will stay with me forever as reminder of who I was for about 18 months of my life, a shell of a person who wouldn’t have survived without good friends and an unbelievable husband. To quote another band “together we’re invincible”

Advertisements

And the inevitable since my rock went away.

Posted in Dark, Eating Disorder on 02/02/2010 by bimbo78

I do apologise for the blog avoidance. I knew it would happen when Bob went back to uni.

The addiction is biting hard this time. I won’t elaborate. I’m trying to sort it out but I think I’m doing a good job at the moment of disgusing the fact I am mid relapse. And to my mates, (and husband)…don’t worry I really am fine but will be happier in a week when the relapse has had some really positive effects on my body and therefore head. Ohh I why do I suffer from this??? I’m a freaking intelligent person which I think makes it worse. Shhh now.. all of you, I really am ok, just leave me be a few days.

More excertions

Posted in Dark, Eating Disorder, Running on 02/08/2009 by bimbo78

It is so nice to have a few days off. It’s almost like a holiday which is what we both needed after the disastrous trip to Cornwall. Obviously after Cornwall I ended up having 2 weeks off what with my leave followed by compassionate leave but it certainly wasn’t like a holiday! So far this long weekend I have climbed a Welsh Mountain, had some mates around for dinner, ran a 10km and tomorrow I go to the Ashes.

Chris and Lynn stayed last night along with their dog Kale. Bob and Chris went to the Ashes today and Lynn was nipping off to collect some chickens. I cooked us a big lasagne, (I really have inherited my mum’s ‘must feed people’ gene) then Lynn booted up her lap top and showed us the pics of our wedding which we had actually seen before but it was so nice seeing my family still almost intact. Roy was still there and so was my mum. That day was perfect, I wish I could go back and relive it just once. Obviously there was still one missing, my big bro not there forever leaving an aching void in my heart. I miss you more than ever at the moment Steve although I do wonder how you would have coped with this. I remember the look on your face when mum had her first ‘stroke’. What we realise now was probably the start of the seizures accompanying her very own brain tumour. You were so poorly and you looked into my eyes and said you were terrified that we had lost her. Well we have and now she lies with you forever in your quiet little corner of Weobley. Sorry this was meant to be a happy post about me enjoying a weekend without getting rat arsed and making inappropriate comments about death. Just ignore me, I’m just a bit odd at the moment. I think I may feel that dark place calling me but I’m ignoring it. I am so worried about K at the moment, (I suspect this is the cause of the slight insanity) I am just wishing my time away waiting for him to return. Shh now Jackie, talk sense.

So off Lynn took Bob and Chris to the cricket and went in search of chickens. I drove to Tenbury and did the 10km. I did it last year too and managed to get virtually the same time which is a little disappointing. There is a crazy hill half way round which I beat which is pretty amazing given my preparation, (walking up a welsh mountain 2 days previously and drinking too much the night before).

Chris and Bob will be back soon, (and I’m assuming Lynn also) so another evening of a few vinos and maybe some pizza. Then the last day of the 2nd Test tomorrow. Woo hoo.

The end

Posted in Dark on 17/07/2009 by bimbo78

I just about feel ok to talk about ‘stuff’ now but I’m not sure I want to share it one here. I’m not going into great detail as it is a very personal thing.
My mum died of clots on her lungs caused by her having to stop taking asprin for her heart condition because of her brain tumour. Her death certificate proved what a very poorly lady she was even before the cancer was diagnosed.
Her funeral was last Saturday, my birthday, (i’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, shit happens on my birthday). The church was full and the service was beautiful, thank you Reb Bob. My dad held it together and I was as fearless as I could be. Kev was back from A’stan, originally to visit my mum but it turns out he would be helping carry her into the church. We still went out to a hotel in Crickhowel afterwards and celebrated her life and my birthday, (and Ollies birthday), my dad came too. Originally they weren’t going to come as my mum was not liking long car journeys. After the event I managed to persuade him to come. We all got rather tipsy but it was lovely.

I’m off out to get pissed and talk about death. I apologise in advance to any of my friends who happen to be there. Just humour me.
I won’t be posting anymore about this any time soon. There are a few things I have to deal with and sharing them on here may not be such a good idea as i don’t want people worrying.

Looming darkness.

Posted in Dark, Uncategorized on 09/07/2009 by bimbo78

It’s a week since the world got a little darker. I think I might still be in shock. I’m now back in Worcester for a couple of days before the funeral on Saturday, (my birthday!!). After being at home with my dad for the last few days I have had to break the news to various people ringing up and had to comfort them as they cried. Also members of the family and friends have been turning up at the house, hugging me sobbing and wanting to talk about how special my mum was. That’s another thing, i really can’t get used to referring to her in the past tense. It’s been emotional but I think I have dealt with it the same way that she would. Don’t be sad that she has gone be happy that you ever knew her. She touched so many peoples lives, the world has lost a good soul.

Shining light

Posted in Dark on 02/07/2009 by bimbo78

There is another star in the sky shining tonight, look for it, it’ll be the brightest star you have ever seen. So the matriarch has gone, she went so fast in the end that nobody was with her when it happened. Don’t be sad she wouldn’t have wanted any of that death bed nonsense best just to make her own way with nobody around to fuss or to cry. The nurses said it was like a light going out and what a light. The light in so many peoples lives, especially those that had never had anybody special to look after them.

Bless you Freda, sleep peaceful now give Steve and Roy a hug from me. If I can be half the woman you were then I will very proud.

2 weddings and a phonecall

Posted in Dark on 21/06/2009 by bimbo78

I’m not feeling very artculate so I’ll keep this to a minimum but might come back to it later to add some more.

Bob and I had Chris and Lynnes wedding on Friday followed by Rich and Lauras on Saturday. Bob was an usher at both so it’s been a bit of a hectic weekend. Coupled with me being a bit dodgy and chucking up lots, (still not right now but at least I’ve lost some weight!). Both weddings were lovely and very emotional which I think took it’s toll on me especially Friday night. We had to rush down from near Llangollen to Bromsgrove on Saturday morning and Bob got changed into his ushers suit in the churchyard! I didn’t go to the service as I thought it might be bad form to throw up on the brides dress.

And today is fathers day so I went to my parents whilst Bob went off to see his dad. My mum told me the genetisist, (sp??) will be in contact with me soon to get me booked in for some tests. I think this will just be a blood test and a possible scan. I’m not sure what to expect, the study is ongoing and all that but I keep getting told this is NOT a hereditary condition. I’m assuming i will have to wait for the study to finish before they’ll know anything in particular and then maybe they’ll be able to tell me what I should do. Unless of course they do find something…. can’t wait!